10 TIPS FOR BOLD LIVING FROM A DOMINATRIX

by Andrew Carter on

in Bold & Brash

“I’m slaying the scene and these bitches will DEAL”

-The best thing I’ve heard her say.

Yep, I’m friends with a dominatrix.

Apart from being a totally kickass person, the way this girl dominates (haha) her life is totally inspiring. Once she puts her mind to something there is no stopping her. Determination, willpower–call it what you will, but the fact of the matter is she gets things done. She is always projecting such a poised self-confidence. 

I was curious if the insight she has gained as a domme have any real world application.

I asked and she delivered.

 

 

 

 

Becoming a “domme” or dominatrix is not something you aspire to be when you’re a little kid. “Mommy, when I grow up I want to kick men in the scrotum!” It’s not even something I imagined I’d ever do, as I attended Princeton University. Nevertheless, I was first exposed to the world of BDSM, while dating an open-minded individual in college. Even after the relationship ended, I was left wanting more. I craved this new and exciting world where limits and boundaries were explored and challenged. As a woman, I deeply appreciated the feminist undertones and unconditional adoration given to the dominant woman as well as the fact that BDSM is truly more of a psychological and spiritual exercise than a sexual experience.

After graduation, I decided to make my hobby a part-time profession. However, I lacked the skills, intuition, wardrobe, and conviction to really convince my subs and slaves that I was truly a lifestyle domme. I had to learn quickly what to do and how to do it; as one of my first subs told me (who happened to be handicapped) , I was “too nice and way too gentle”. It was then that I realized that they’re not looking for a nice, sweet, well-mannered lady– they were looking to submit to a “bitch– a controlling, domineering, devious, manipulative, arrogant dominatrix”. For a limited amount of time, they were relinquishing control in a power exchange, and it was my duty to assume the role, which through time and experience, began to come naturally.

Seven years later, I’m one of the most well-known dommes on the East Coast. My slaves have given me so much, and so has this career. The lessons I’ve learned along the way apply to my personal life outside of BDSM. They are universal life lessons– so no whip and 8 inch stilettos needed!

1. We all wear masks, and it’s sometimes not a bad thing to put one on! Fake it ’til you make it!

I am not naturally a cruel or sadistic person, but it is sometimes who I need to be to get the job done. Sometimes different circumstances and tasks call for an atypical approach and may require some “outside-the-box” thinking. If you’re shy or insecure, project confidence until it comes naturally. Eventually you will feel comfortable in your new-found courage.

2. Body language/ NLP speaks louder than verbal communication.

In the world of BDSM, there’s many more ways to instill fear, reverence, and dominance than just shouting and using physical force. I take extra care to make sure that my stance, my gaze, my outfit, and my facial expressions are in line with the fantasy I am creating. Non-verbal communication is just as important, if not more important, than verbal speech. And conflict arises when your body language does not compliment your verbal communication. A person who is self-aware can express their intentions and tell a story without even opening their mouth.

 3. Trust your instincts.

In this industry, I get more than a fair share of creeps and weirdos who possibly have ulterior and unsavory motives in trying to see me. I screen my phone calls and appointments with a discriminatory eye, always putting my personal safety before ANYTHING else. I trust my gut because I’d rather be alive and safe, than risk it all for a few hundred dollars. If you sense danger or feel unsettled, believe what your sixth sense is trying to tell you.

 4. Never abuse or let yourself be abused.

The term used for engaging in a BDSM scene is “play”. This is because it is a mutually agreed upon give-and-take between two consenting parties to entertain and please one another through set guidlines and rules. BDSM is NOT abuse. It has many checks and balances in place, such as safewords, to protect the submissive. As they say, “it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt”.  In the “real world”, always make sure that people around you respect you and your wishes, and more importantly– know your personal worth so that you aren’t put in a position to be abused- verbally or physically. Violence is never the answer and it’s never ok.

 5.True power comes from the mind, not from the body.

BDSM sessions are divided up between the softer “sensual” session, and the sadistic, hardcore “corporal” sessions. In both sessions, the true power of the domme comes from the submissive’s need to feel a certain way. Even while being restrained, slapped, and/or tortured, it’s the sub’s state of mind that makes the whole experience an enjoyable one. Most slaves and subs would not respond well to being humiliated or physically harmed on the street or in the workplace, but during a session, they relish the experience. Psychology of the mind is the most powerful tool of all. The body is simply a vessel by which the mind can execute its ideas, concepts, goals, and thoughts.

 6. Keep an open mind!

I am always amazed by the fact that a seemingly vanilla middle-aged man working a high-powered job that holds a lot of accountability, responsibility, and power, can walk into my dungeon and want to kneel at my feet. I commend them on exploring their fetishes and scene interests. So many people are ashamed and embarrassed by their thoughts and desires when instead, they should embrace and explore them! Life can be boring, and there’s nothing wrong with spicing up your life. Keeping an open mind to new experiences will not only preventing your life from getting stagnant, but it will also allow you to evolve emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.

 7. Having an occasional escape from reality is healthy.

A common misconception is that my slaves and subs, as well as myself, were somehow affected by childhood trauma– which led us down a depraved path into BDSM. Through this career, I have crossed paths with people from all walks of life, and the good majority of my clients, as well as other dommes I’ve worked with are average people– and so am I. I had a happy childhood, and I have a wonderful family, who I love very much. BDSM is a healthy escape from reality because it is temporary, and it’s based on mutual respect. Many “vanilla” people have vices that are either self-destructive, dangerous to themselves and to others, or psychologically and/or physically unhealthy. BDSM offers an exhilirating and sensual reprieve from the drab and repressed state of the average individual’s daily life, and it does so in a controlled and extremely safe environment. There’s nothing like the euphoric adrenaline rush I feel after having completed an appointment. Having a safe outlet is essential to finding balance in life.

 8. Life a vibrant life!

Subs are very sensual. Most are acutely sensitive to touch, taste, sound, sight, and smell. Opening up your senses  in life can lead to a more vivid life experience. The sky may seem a little bit bluer, the sun may shine brighter, and the glass may become half full!

 9. Treat people as you want to be treated.

Beneath the leather harness and collar is a human being. When the session is over, they go back to being the person they were. I would never put myself in a position where I would let someone degrade me, and I would never take advantage of my slave’s submission. I respect the hard limits of my subs, and although I do like to push the envelope and challenge boundaries, I do not go over them. After the session is over, I treat them with the same respect that I would treat anyone else. This is why I not only develop returning “regulars”, but also make long-lasting friends.

 10. Sex isn’t Everything.

A popular fallacy believed by “outsiders” is that BDSM is prostitution and that Dominatrices exchange money for sex. The reality is that dommes are not escorts, and “real” dommes do not even show nudity and will reject or abruptly end a session if this behaviour is requested. BDSM is about anything and everything BUT sex. Sex isn’t everything, and all you have to do is ask any woman and she will agree! Equal attention should be given to all the lost and forgotten components of Sex: sensuality, sexuality, desire, fantasy, foreplay, and  excitement.

-Maitresse Noire

 

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